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Suicide: How I came through the hell & found the light

EVERY YEAR, more than 45,000 people die by suicide in America. Yes! 45,000! If that number sounds striking, consider this: For every suicide death, there are 25 suicide attempts. I am sure every one of us has been touched by suicide in one way or another.

Me personally I have held a gun to my head when my pain was so bad I couldn't move. I felt like a worthless mother, wife and daughter. I was extremely depressed and other than my sons smile and the love of him and my husband I felt I had nothing. I was nothing but a huge burden to them both and my parents. I had to have people take care of me. And I thought this world would be better off without me.

My husband could find an able bodied wife to love and love him back all the while giving my son a mommy that could play with him, love on him and do thing's with him! I just knew they would have a better life without me dragging them down constantly.

There would be no more pushing me around in a wheelchair, medicating me, bathing me, cooking for me. They could move on together and find someone special to take my place! Their life would be so much easier!

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in this country. It is an increasing health concern and a growing issue among young people in particular. Recent research shows that more kids, especially girls, are thinking about suicide for many reasons. Mostly these day's social media bullying. Making them not feel worthy. Or pretty enough, good enough, the list goes on!

For many survivors, their attempts aren’t isolated incidents. In most cases, entire lifetimes spent battling suicidal thoughts, and always feeling as if they’re on the brink of a fatal decision, one that feels largely out of their control. And most you never even know about it because they toss on a smile when other's are around!

That was me! Whe I was around people I put on, as I called it a "song and dance smile". I was the life of the party. Always smiling convincing people that I was fine. My life was great. No longer suicidal, I still find myself doing this when I am in pain. So no one "feels bad for me" or does the "oh that poor girl routine".

I spent 16 year's secretly battling these feelings of being inadequate. Three of those year's my guns were taken away from me and locked away after my husband came home and found me shaking with my Glock to my head. I had sat there like that for three hours! The only reason I couldn't pull the trigger was the thought of my son or husband coming home and finding the "mess". I couldn't bare the thought of what that would do to them!

Even with all that I went through, I am so very thankful I didn't pull that trigger. I am now on CBD that has me off all my medications. Has helped me get off Prosaic and the suicidal thoughts are gone. My pain is minimal and I am finally an active, vibrant woman again. I made it through to see all the beautiful thing's life has to offer!

I watched my son Graduate high school and college and go on to marry his high school sweetheart. I watched my husband go back to school and become the best nurse ever! I have spent quality time with my loving parent's. I have found 13 brother's and sister's (I was adopted). And I have gone on to do some amazing thing's! I am out of that wheel chair, walker and cane. I am an Ambassador for a fantastic bike shop. I do photography and with my best friend and my husband we have opened Bella Sante' CBD LLC so that we can help other's in pain.

Life is so rewarding now. Look at all I would have missed! I just wish I had the CBD back then. I never would have picked up the gun in the first place! But now I am so very blessed to be able to help other's in pain, depression, anxiety and so much more. I wanted to write this now as my heart is breaking. I have just lost yet another cousin to suicide in the last few weeks. Please anyone who is down, or thinking about suicide reach out to me! I am here! I know what you are going through! I will be here to lift you up out of the darkness and help you see the light. Life is so short and precious. Let me help you! Like my husband, son and parents helped me!

Even if we have never met, I am here! Call me! 520-247-7165 I will help you! I can help you to love life again! This one is for you Cierra. May you fly with the angels ~
@suicideprevention @suicide

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